Not who I used to be

I grew up in New York. I attended an awesome church, Smithtown Gospel Tabernacle ("SGT"). I recall many things from that church. Sunday School, Pastor Bob and his awesome wife, Sue, their amazing kids, the youth group, my friends, and how can I ever forget...

the orange 

Chevy Vega 

that my mom would take us to church in. To top it off, she would pull right upfront.  

I was sooooo embarrassed!!

I thrived in that church. At five, I remember holding tightly to a picture of Jesus in Sunday School. I recall how much I felt loved by Him from hearing the teachings from my Sunday School teacher. 

Jesus loved me, this I knew! 

I loved Jesus with all my heart. I couldn't wait for Sunday. I wanted to hear more about Jesus and get to know Him. Never knew love like that. I never said a sinners prayer, I just knew I let Jesus save me.

 Belief is all I needed.

I did not grow up in a Christian home. My mom sent us to VBS one summer. A friend of moms, in overeaters anonymous told her about it. I loved VBS so much I begged my mom and dad to let me go to that church.  

It was a place I felt loved, safe and most of all it was quiet!!

My house was a tad crazy!!

My dad was a loud foul-mouth alcoholic who verbally abused my mom and rarely spent time with us. My mom was pretty much the same but if really ticked, she'd just ignore everyone in the home. Both my parents worked. My dad was a carpenter and my mom was a waitress. Ships passing in the night. I do not recall hugs, kisses, or welcome homes. 

The home was full of loud fights, drunken violent words said, dressings flying in the air and china cabinets being crashed to the floor. 

Not a lot of calm for sure in my household...

Dad's side of the family, well, more drunks and more foul loud-mouth folks. You'd hear dirty jokes and dirty things on TV would be seen while we sometimes stayed over at Grandma's house.

I recall leaving the bowling alley with my sister and my drunk mom behind the wheel. I also recall my dad getting into an accident. His truck slide down an embankment. He was drunk and it was raining. He lived...

So yes, when I heard Jesus loved me, it hit my heart. I couldn't believe someone would love me. 

Why?

Praise the Lord though, both parents began to go to church instead of dropping us off. 

My dad had a 

LIFE transformation! 

I felt like I knew my dad for the first time. I spent more time with him. He was changed. He is also the reason I love prophecy. 

True story. When my dad got saved, he never started reading the bible in Matthew. Oh no. He said, 

well, I knew how it began, I would like to see how it ends.

He started with Revelation. Do not say new believers can not understand it!!

The home was different. My dad brought love and time that I never knew in the home. Man, he was awesome!! My mom well I love her but the home was still crazy with her in it. Saved home but crazy! 

At 10, I began to sing in Sunday School. I realized I had a talent for singing and would sing the same song every Sunday. I sang Stubborn Love by Kathy Troccoli. The same song sang for you today! I recorded this at home. No equipment but my mic. 

Here check it out:

https://rumble.com/vmrauh-stubborn-love-gospel-song-cover.html

I left public school and started to go to SGT's school. There I met good and not-so-good friends. Friends who led me astray and friends who brought me back. In all of it, my youth group kept me grounded, and although I made "mistakes" my heart wasn't far from God. 

Times would change though and at 14 years old, I lost my dad. He died on the Long Island Expressway in an auto accident. Yup, you read that right. God's grace saved him from hell several years before when he went down that embankment but only the same thing would happen and take his life a few years later. I can't wait to see my daddy again. He may not be 'daddy' but nonetheless, I can't wait. 

I held on to the fact that God knew why and I shouldn't question it. 

At this time, I began to sing in church on some Sundays. Performing was awesome! Yet, I knew this was God's gift given to me and I must use it wisely. 

The music was not enough though. This is where my heart and thoughts towards God really changed. 

Deep down I hated him for taking away the most precious thing in my life. I hated the fact that my dad died young, he was 47. He would never be there at the most important times in my life: 

Sweet Sixteen

High school graduation

College

Marriage

Kids

and everything else. 

I never wanted to be anything but daddy's little girl and now that was gone. The man who was totally transformed by Christ was now gone! 

A young teenage girl's life was shattered. 

I continued to be "existent" in church. I sang but it just wasn't the same. God was no longer the most important thing in my life anymore. As I began to start voice lessons with my awesome new teacher, Erin, a once Broadway singer, that is when the devil seeped in. I used to go to a lady at our church but begged mom for me to see Erin. 

At this point, I willingly let the devil in. Erin challenged me to go "outside" of the "church" box and start doing what my voice was made to do. We would sing "Christian" songs like Sandi Patty until my mom left but as soon as mom was out of her driveway... 

It was Broadway...

We sang: 

I Feel Pretty from West Side Story  

Whitney

Michael 

and so many more! 

Secular music was not allowed in my home!

Erin showed me what could be my future. On stage in front of thousands. She conditioned my voice beyond anything I've learned before. From 10-15 years old, my voice teacher was the choir director of SGT. My voice was churched. 

While with Erin from 15-16, she developed my voice to be more secular and less what everyone else wanted. I began to learn stage presence and becoming someone else. This is how I dealt with the death of my dad. I was someone else. 

I went into a dark place. A lonely place. Music was the only thing that satisfied me. 

Another hard knock came into my life shortly after my dad's passing. 

We were moving. 

Erin would be no more. I cried. I mean really cried at our last voice session. I hated my mom for being so selfish. Moving a 16-year-old, from all she knew, wasn't so great. 

We went from people to horses. We moved to Ocala, Florida. I HATED it. Still do but that is not part of this blog. 

Ocala was full of small-minded country folk. I loathed every minute of it. 

My mom quickly got me into voice lessons thinking that would make it all okay.

It did not. I went through three teachers and no one was Erin. I stopped taking lessons at 18. 

I went to Ocala Christian Academy ("OCA") While attending OCA, I learned how to perfect my hypocrisy. Deep down, I knew I was sinning yet kept hearing from all the other hypocrites, 

God forgives you anyway once you are saved, do what you want.

Found out quick what a Baptist church is like. Probably the big reason I am who I am today in this matter. Seems like things do not change. 

Okay, 

16 turned to 17; 17 turned to 18. 

I was no longer a person who loved Christ but I loved the world. I tried to maintain but sin took over and my life changed. I can tell you all the horror stories but perhaps you get the point. Let's just say, I sunk deeper into sin and did things I would never imagine myself doing today. 

My dreams though were coming true. I started singing for the world and realized I was wasting it on the church and some of the competitions I would participate in. 

I wanted more and more and more. Move shouts of praise and claps of adoration. I loved it!! 

From that point of ego-driven singing venues to the pride I had on stages, I became a broken, angry, depressed, sexed crazed drunk. People loved me. Well, so I thought. I bottled up my feelings and sexed or drank them away.

The pattern continued...for 22 years.  I stayed in a dark, lonely, and very sinful place. With the exception of a few "re-dedications" of my life back to the Lord. I recall with each one, my mom would ask, 

Kym, how long this time?

Not sure if that was the best response but maybe the only one she knew how to give at those times due to all the ups and downs in my life. 

I found myself only liking Jesus when life was good. 

I delved into things that I can say with a firm voice today, God kept me safe and held me even when I didn't know it. Those 22 years, in most cases, were the worst of times. The best of times were never there. Not even in my drunken nights, one-night stands, or the occasional relationship that brought temporary fulfillment. Not even in my marriage.

P.S. I had so many more photos but deleted so many. These were actually the decent ones left.

I was still alone, lonely, bitter, angry, confused, and who would have thought with all my years in church, I would give in as long as I did. One would think the void of God would have been filled and I would come home like the prodigal. 

Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay.
— unknown

My life was in complete ruin. God began to move in a way, like the prodigal. 

I would be found face down in the pigsty. 

I lost my home, my car, my friends, my job and...

Unannounced to me, my Father was preparing my return home feast. I have wept so many times while recording the song for this blog and typing this blog. 

Why Weep??

Because God is faithful!!

There was coming a day, I would run home to my Father and weep and fall into his arms. I reflect upon this beautiful song, by Benny Hester, When God Ran.  

The day I left home,

I knew I'd broken His heart.

And I wondered then if things could ever be the same.

Then one night,

I remembered His love for me.

And down that dusty road, ahead I could see,

It was the only time,

It was the only time I ever saw Him run.

And then...

He ran to me, He took me in His arms,

Held my head to His chest,

Said, "My son's come home again!"

Lifted my face,

Wiped the tears from my eyes,

With forgiveness in His voice, He said

"Son, do you know I still love You?"

He caught me by surprise.

And He brought me to my knees.

When God ran... I saw Him run to me.

I was so ashamed, all alone, and so far away.

But now I know, that He's been waiting for this day...

I saw Him run to me,

He took me in His arms,

Held my head to his chest,

Said, "My son's come home again!"

Lifted my face,

Wiped the tears from my eyes,

With forgiveness in His voice

I felt his love for me again.

He ran to me,

He took me in His arms,

Held my head to his chest,

Said, "My son's come home again!"

It wasn't until I was in a tiny, rented room in Ocala, where God came over me in such a way that I broke down and cried, and in that quiet, tiny space, my heart was full and all my shame lifted. 

I was that five-year-old. Grasping the picture of Jesus again. 

My heart was full of repentance and joy. Knowing I was the one who moved. Christ never did. His love and His love alone healed this sin-sick girl. 

The feast was prepared. I ran to my Father. I fell at His feet. The strongholds I once had...

Were now broken and shattered into a million pieces. I knew Jesus would be with me in the good and the bad. 

However, I needed to allow God to begin a work in me. 

He did. 

He does. 

He continues to do. 

He will until I die or fly. 

My passion is not because I am a jerk for Jesus. My passion is simple. Jesus gave His life FREELY for me. Due to His gift, and my acceptance of such gift when I was five, I became what God has always wanted from me. 

I went from saved to prodigal.

I BECAME ME!! 

My talents and gifts are for Him and Him alone! 

I need to reach the broken, the lost, the backslidden. I want the lost and broken to dine with me at the table in my Father's house. 

I want to the backslidden to know the feast is waiting. How long until you come home??

Will you come join me today?